Smile and Smile and Be a Villain
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Joker is depressed that Batman is always busy stopping other criminals, and devises a plan to trap Batman using the other Gotham supervillains as bait, forcing Harley to choose between her love for Joker and her friendship with the other Arkham inmates.
1. Chapter 1

**Smile and Smile and Be a Villain**

Harley Quinn heard the front door slam and leapt to her feet, turning off the TV and rushing down the hallway, heart pounding in excitement. "Puddin'!" she cried, throwing herself at the Joker, who was taking off his coat. "I'm so glad you're back! I missed you so much!"

"Get off, Harley," snarled Joker, shoving her away from him. "It's only been half an hour since I left – you didn't even have time to miss me."

"Really?" asked Harley, genuinely surprised. "It seemed like ages, boss. Why are you back so soon?"

He glared at her and stormed into the living room, throwing himself down on the sofa and folding his arms across his chest in a huff. "Aw, the heist didn't go so good, huh?" asked Harley, following him into the room and draping herself around his shoulders. "Well, cheer up, puddin'. Your devoted Harley girl will make it all better. Who needs a diamond when you've got the most precious jewel you could ever have right here?"

In response, Joker reached into his inside pocket and pulled out a massive diamond, which he then threw violently across the room, hitting the wall and denting it.

"Oh. You got it," said Harley, puzzled. "Then why are you upset, Mr. J?"

"Because I got it, Harley!" he shouted, furiously. "I got it, without any kind of resistance or struggle or even an attempt to prevent me from taking it! It was all too easy! And not even a hint of the Bat! Why didn't he try to stop me? Doesn't he care anymore? You know the value of that rock? 3 million dollars! And it's all worthless! What's the point, Harley, I ask you, what is the point of stealing stuff if nobody cares when you do it? What's the point of committing crimes if nobody tries to stop you? And where in the name of all that's holy was Batman?!"

"At Gotham University," retorted Harley.

"How do you know that?" demanded Joker.

"It was on the news," said Harley, turning on the TV. "Professor Crane staged a little experiment there. Fear gas in the ladies dormatories. Not a pretty sight, but then I went to college there, and frankly girls screaming and running around at all hours of the night was fairly common. But Bats went there to stop people getting hurt. I guess that seemed more important to him than you stealing the diamond."

The news reporter was confirming the capture of Jonathan Crane, aka The Scarecrow, and playing live footage of him being led out of Gotham University at the hands of Batman. "…who has once again apprehended another dangerous criminal bent on causing mayhem and chaos in the lives of ordinary citizens. Professor Crane will be returned to Arkham Asylum, whose most notorious inmates include the likes of Two-Face, The Riddler, and Poison Ivy. What is it about Gotham City that seems to attract these exotic supervillains? And more importantly, whatever would we do without Batman to stop them? Answering these questions is our special guest…"

But they never discovered who the special guest was, as Joker suddenly ripped out his gun and shot the television screen several times. "Two-Face?! The Riddler?! Poison Ivy?!" he shrieked. "Those are the ones they pick as their most notorious inmates?! After all I've done for this town, this is the thanks I get?! What's the matter with everyone?! I'm the Joker, dammit! The Clown Prince of Crime! Gotham's most dangerous criminal mastermind! Batman's ultimate nemesis! I could eat the likes of Two-Face, The Riddler, and Poison Ivy for breakfast! Why don't I get no respect?!"

"I respect you, puddin'," purred Harley, trying to soothe him by gently massaging his shoulders. "You're Gotham's most dangerous criminal mastermind to me. Not to mention the cleverest, strongest, most handsome man in the whole entire universe, both this one and that Marvel one…"

"And what the hell is the matter with Batman?!" he shouted, interrupting her as if she wasn't there. "Why is he ignoring me?! What have I done to be treated like this by him?! I haven't changed – I'm still looking to cause havoc and mayhem! Why don't that bother him anymore?!"

"You're stressed, puddin'," murmured Harley, massaging his neck and chest. "We need to find a way to relieve your tension, to give your big, strong muscles a workout. Get me?" she whispered into his ear.

He nodded. "Go get it, Harley," he retorted.

"The whoopie cushion, sweetie?" she asked, excitedly.

"Not the whoopie cushion," he retorted. "You know what I mean."

Harley's face fell. "But puddin'…"

"Go get it!" he shouted, shoving her across the room.

Harley sighed and left, returning a few moments later with a cape and mask, an exact replica of Batman's.

"But I don't like this game, sweetie," she whined.

"Do you think I give a damn what you like?" he demanded. "Just put it on."

She obeyed, sighing. Joker stood up. "Now hit me," he ordered.

"Puddin'…"

"He doesn't call me puddin'!" he shouted, furiously. "Get into character now, Harley, or I promise you, it won't be funny!"

She sighed again. "It's over, Joker," she said, trying to deepen her voice as she straightened up as tall as she could go.

Joker smiled. "Over? Why my dear delusional Dark Knight, it hasn't even begun."

"Let the hostages go now," she continued.

"Well, if you insist," he said, grinning. "I'll just let them go into this vat of molten hot lead!" And he laughed maniacally.

"Fortunately, Robin and Batgirl arrived here in the nick of time to save the hostages," she said. "Now it's just you and me, Joker. I'm taking you in."

He grinned. "Come and get me then, Bats."

Harley started toward him and punched him half-heartedly. Joker seized her round the throat. "You hit like a girl, Harley," he hissed. "Punch me like you mean it!"

"Sorry…Mr. J…" she gasped.

"God Harley, can't you do a single damn thing right, you useless dame?" snarled Joker, tightening his grip. "Are you actually too stupid to follow simple instructions? Can't you even do this one thing correctly to make me happy? I don't even know why I keep you around. To have a punching bag handy, I guess. That must be the only reason, because I certainly don't care about you. Who could care about a useless waste of space like you? A stupid, brainless, airheaded blonde bimbo who I only used to get out of Arkham, and who's been following me around like a lost puppy ever since! I should do what I do to all lost puppies, and just put a bullet through your head! It would be such a relief, and such a pleasure, because I hate you, Harley. And I've always lied to you. Everytime I said I loved you, in fact, because I never, ever did…"

She broke away from his grip with a scream, and punched him hard across the face, knocking him backward at the force of the blow. He looked up at her and grinned. "'Atta girl," he whispered. "Keep 'em coming, sweets."

Harley obeyed, pounding him repeatedly with furious blows. Then Joker fought back, punching her across the face, laughing. She fell to the ground, but recovered quickly, attacking him again. They exchanged punches while Joker laughed, until at last he knocked her to the ground and she couldn't get up again. She just lay on the ground, sobbing from both physical and mental agony.

The manically happy light in Joker's eyes died suddenly as the illusion was broken, and he sighed, kneeling down beside her and pulling the mask gently off her face. "You're supposed to win, Harley," he murmured. "Batman always wins."

"S…sorry, Mr. J," she whispered, tears trailing down her face.

"It's ok, pooh bear," he whispered, kissing her tears away. "You did good. You made your Mr. J very happy."

"Really?" she asked, looking up at him hopefully.

"Would I lie to you, pumpkin pie?" he murmured, stroking her hair. "Never. Never to my precious little baby. My sweet little cupcake, my beautiful, gorgeous Harley girl. I love you, baby," he whispered, kissing her tenderly.

"I love you too, Mr. J," she whispered. "But I don't like this game!" she sobbed, throwing herself into his arms. "Can't we play with the whoopie cushion next time?"

"Of course we can, pumpkin," he murmured. "Maybe later tonight, if you play your cards right."

"You mean it, puddin'?" she asked, her eyes alight with hope.

He chuckled, and kissed her nose. "Course I do, sweets. My little Harley hasn't had her engine revved in too long a time. We wouldn't want it to get rusty, would we? We need to keep the gears well oiled, don't we, baby?" he murmured, pulling her into his arms and rubbing her bottom gently.

"Oh, Mr. J, I love it when you talk like that!" she gasped, excited. "Your Harley wants to be revved up right now," she murmured, rubbing herself against him and kissing his neck.

"In a bit, pooh," he replied, kissing her forehead. "Daddy J's just starving right now. All that exercise, y'know. And I'll need a full stomach for all my exercise tonight," he added, grinning. "You got dinner ready, toots?"

"Course I do, Mr. J," she replied. She struggled to her feet, wincing in pain as she hobbled across the room into the kitchen. Joker watched her leave, then sighed as he picked up the cape and mask, throwing them into a corner. He sat down on the sofa, intending to watch some TV, but then realized he'd destroyed it earlier. He sighed again, reaching for the newspaper on the coffee table. He grew more and more angry as he read stories about the exploits of The Penguin, Mr. Freeze, Catwoman, and The Mad Hatter. Useless, second-rate criminals, the lot of them, but still getting more press coverage than he was. And Batman had put all of them away again. Why not him?

"Why doesn't he care anymore, Harley?" he murmured as she entered the room, carrying two TV dinners on trays.

"You still on about Batman, Mr. J?" she asked, putting the trays down on the coffee table and kissing his cheek.

"Of course Batman. Always Batman," he retorted. "What have I done wrong, Harl? Why isn't he paying attention to me?"

Harley picked up the newspaper, scanning it. "The way I see it, Mr. J, it ain't so much that Bats is ignoring you, than that's he just occupied with all these other freaks. He's overworked – all these so-called supervillains vying for his notice. He doesn't have time to give his personal attention to each and every criminal who's infested this city. He has to pick and choose, and you know Bats. People in danger are always going to outweigh the loss of expensive artifacts. He believes human lives are more priceless than treasure, the big dope. I'll bet if you pulled a scheme that involved lots of people dying if Bats didn't save them, he'd be on you quicker than you could say Batarang. That is, unless one of these other criminals was also planning on killing a bunch of people. Then he might have a dilemma. But at least it would be a 50/50 chance he'd pick you, rather than a 1 in what seems like a hundred chance…"

Joker suddenly clapped a hand over her mouth, his eyes shining. "Shut up, Harley," he murmured, grinning to himself. "Shut up and let me think. Your mindless rambling has just given me an idea, a fantastic, brilliant, ingenious idea. I'll set Bats up with a trap he can't refuse – the lives of human beings placed in dire jeopardy, doomed to die unless he stops me from killing them. And none of the those other pathetic excuses for criminals will be able to compete with me for his attention, because…" He giggled. "Because they'll be the bait!"

He began laughing maniacally. "Oh, it's going to be glorious, Harley girl!" he cried. "They'll be there, all of them, Two-Face and Riddler and Scarecrow and Hatter and Penguin and Freeze and Catwoman and Ivy, all of them helpless, at my mercy, dead unless Bats saves them. And he will, Harley. He couldn't resist that challenge."

Harley was trying to speak, but Joker's hand still muffled her mouth. He released her and she cried, "But puddin', those are our friends! We've had lots of good times in Arkham together, all of us; we can't just kidnap them and try to kill them out of the blue!"

"All's fair in love and crime, baby girl," he replied. "Anyway, they deserve it. They shouldn't have been such a nuisance, coming between me and Batsy. They asked for it. It's their own fault."

"But it doesn't seem right, puddin'," she murmured. "And I couldn't do that to Ivy. She's my best friend. She'd never forgive me for betraying her."

"You care about her more than me, is that it?" demanded Joker.

"No, of course not, puddin'," she replied. "I just don't want to have to choose between the two of you. Ivy's always been there for me when I needed her. She's a good kid. I wouldn't want to hurt her."

"You'd hurt me by refusing to help me," he retorted. "Would you like that, Harley? Would you like to hurt me?"

"No, Mr. J," she whispered. "You know I'd never do that."

"That's my girl," he murmured, kissing her. "So you'll help Daddy with his little scheme, like the good little girl you are, won't you, baby?"

"Yes, Mr. J," she replied, shutting her eyes tightly.

He kissed her again. "Cheer up, cupcake. Bats will save them all anyway, you know he will. Pammie won't even get a scratch. And we can all laugh about this later in the Rec Room at Arkham. They all know how to take a joke, after all."

"Yeah," agreed Harley, forcing a smile. "And that's all it is, ain't it, Mr. J? Just a joke?"

"A harmless little prank, sweets," he said, grinning. "They'll see the funny side. Trust me. You do trust your Daddy J, don't you?"

"You know I do, puddin'," she whispered, hugging him tightly.

He kissed the top of her head. "Good. Now let's eat, baby girl, so we can get to bed, and Daddy can enjoy his pumpkin's pie."

Harley hurried through her meal at these words, waited impatiently for him to finish his, and didn't think about Ivy for the rest of the night.


	2. Chapter 2

Poison Ivy was surprised to hear a knock on her door. Putting down her watering can, she murmured, "I'll be right back, babies," and then left the greenhouse, shutting the door behind her. She walked down the hall to the front door and opened it.

Her surprise only grew when she saw who her unexpected visitor was. "Harvey?" she murmured.

"Pam," muttered Two-Face, nodding curtly at her. He looked uncomfortable – both of his faces twitched nervously and his hands fidgeted in his pockets, playing with his coin. "Can I come in?" he muttered.

"Sure," shrugged Ivy, opening the door wider. "Sit down," she said, gesturing to the green sofa in the living room. She sat down on the sofa opposite, folding her arms and looking at him suspiciously. "So to what do I owe the pleasure, Harv?" she asked. "I make a point never to stay in touch with my exes if I can avoid it."

"Believe me, I'd rather be almost anywhere else than here right now," growled Two-Face. "Including Arkham. This ain't a personal call, Pam. Strictly business."

"If our personal relationship didn't work out, I sincerely doubt we should think of establishing a business one," she retorted. "So thanks for the offer, Harvey, but no dice."

"It ain't a business offer," he growled. "I just want some info."

"In return for what?" she demanded.

"For Christ's sake, Pam, stop being so defensive!" growled Two-Face. "Why do you always have to be so difficult? It was this kinda crap that ruined whatever chance of happiness we had together! You always have to attack first, to be the strong one, to show everyone that you can take care of yourself, to prove you're not weak and vulnerable. It ain't attractive, Pammie!"

"This from a man with half a face," she muttered.

He stood up. "I'm leaving, and you can rot in hell, you bitch," he growled. "I don't even know why I'd bother warning you."

"Warning me about what?" demanded Ivy.

"Screw you!" snarled Two-Face, yanking open the front door. Ivy raced after him.

"Harvey!" she shouted. "Harvey, get back here!"

"I said screw you!" he shouted back, not turning around.

"At least give me a coin toss!" she shouted.

He whirled around, glaring at her in fury. But his hand dove into his pocket and emerged with his coin, with one good side and one bad. "Call it, Pammie," he muttered.

"Heads," she retorted.

He flipped the coin up into the air with his thumb. It landed on the back of his hand and he turned it over. Then he nodded. "Good call, bitch," he muttered. He reluctantly walked back to her, following her inside. Ivy shut the door and sat back down. Two-Face remained standing.

"So tell me. What warning?" she asked.

Two-Face began rummaging in his pockets again, pacing the room. "When's the last time you saw Harley Quinn?" he growled at last, turning to face her.

"What business is that of yours?" she snapped.

"Just answer the question. It's important," he retorted.

Ivy leaned back on the sofa. She tried to look and sound casual, but the question hurt her more deeply than she let on. "I dunno. Ever since she and Joker were reunited after splitting up for about the millionth time, I haven't heard from her. She doesn't speak to me when she's with him. She doesn't need friends with the clown Casanova around."

"So you haven't heard from her recently?" he demanded.

"No. Why?" she asked.

"I just thought you might have, that's all, being her best friend," he growled. "See, everyone else has."

"What do you mean?" she asked, puzzled.

"Me, Crane, Tetch, Freeze, Nygma, Cobblepot, Kyle," he muttered. "Quinn's come to visit each one of us, just to catch up, a friendly chat, she calls it. But she's a real bad liar. She came on behalf of the clown, and the clown's planning something. Something that involves all of us. I don't like it. So I thought she might have come to talk to you, to tell you the truth, to confide in you, as best friends do. But you don't know what he's planning anymore than we do, do you?"

"No. I try to encourage Harley not to talk about Joker, if I can help it," she retorted. "It's the only way to break her out of this maddening cycle and her abusive relationship with him."

"Kinda funny that you think you can give people relationship advice," growled Two-Face. "Don't think you know much about relationships myself. No evidence that you do. You'd like Harley to be as bitter and twisted about men as you are? You want her to start seeking solace from plants, the way you do?"

"I'm not the one who twists her, Harv," growled Ivy. "I'm just trying to help her see her boyfriend for the scumbag he is."

Two-Face shrugged. "My advice would be don't try to wake a sleepwalker. They could fall and break their neck."

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Ivy.

"It means sometimes people let the ones they care about believe the lies, because they know that's what keeps them going," he muttered. "Sometimes a lie matters more than the truth. Can't expect you to understand that, Pammie. You're as bad as the Bat."

"In what way?" she demanded.

"In that you have strong beliefs that can get you into trouble. Me, I let a coin decide everything," he murmured. "Life's a whole lot simpler that way."

"Perhaps I prefer not to be as mindless as you, Harv," she retorted. "Is that all you have to tell me?"

"Yeah. Sorry to bother you," he muttered. "But just a heads-up. If Quinn comes knocking, she's probably here to cause trouble. I wouldn't trust a word she said. Not that I need to tell you that, Pammie. You have enough trust issues as it is."

"Thanks, but I think I can handle Harley," retorted Ivy. "I do trust her, despite what you think. If Joker's planning something, she'll tell me the truth."

"Don't suppose you'd be inclined to pass it on?" asked Two-Face.

"That depends. What would you be willing to offer?" she asked.

"Well, my gratitude, not that that would matter to you," he retorted. "We can discuss prices when you have something worth selling. Until then, I'd rather not have to look at you. Nothing personal, it's just seeing you brings back the feeling of the knife in my back, the cold, steely blade of betrayal. I hope one day you know what that's like. And I hope whoever does it twists it in. You deserve nothing less. Goodbye, Pam."

"Harvey, wait," she said, catching his arm. "Look, I know you only came here for information, and your warning wasn't necessary, but…thanks anyway. You didn't have to tell me."

"It wasn't my choice," he retorted. "It was the coin, Pam."

"Yeah, I know," she replied. "But thanks."

Two-Face looked down at her. She looked up at him. And at that moment, the front door opened and Harley Quinn walked in.

"Hi Red, door was open so I thought I'd…" she began, but paused when she saw the two of them. "Oh, geez, sorry," she stammered. "I didn't mean to interrupt anything important…"

"You didn't, Harley," retorted Ivy, removing her hand from Two-Face's arm. "Harvey was just leaving."

"Yeah," agreed Two-Face, heading for the door. "Nice to see you again, Quinn. Give the clown my best."

"Will do!" she said, saluting as he left, shutting the door behind him. Harley turned to Ivy and grinned. "Well, Red, anything you want to tell me? You and Harvey thinking of reconciling?"

"Don't be silly, Harley," Ivy retorted, angrily. "There's absolutely no chance of that. I tried to kill him, for goodness sake."

Harley stared back at her blankly. "And?"

"And people don't usually reconcile after something like that," retorted Ivy.

"Aw, Red, that's a loada crap," retorted Harley. "Why, me and Mr. J have tried to kill each other more times than we can count! And you ain't never seen a more loving couple in the whole wide world!"

"Speaking of his eminence the Clown Prince, what are you doing here, Harley?" asked Ivy. "He kick you out again?"

"No, of course not," said Harley, puzzled. "Why would he do that?"

"I don't know, he's only done it about a thousand times before," retorted Ivy. "And that's usually the only time you come to see me. To tell me how much you love him, and how much he loves you really, and how much it hurts you to be away from him. And then I spend most of the week listening to you and supporting you and trying to prevent you from crying every five minutes, until gradually I think I'm making some progress into helping you function as a strong, independent, and capable woman, when suddenly Mr. J comes a-knockin', gives you some crap apology, which you buy, of course, even though he's pulled the same stunt countless times. You go running back to him with a brief 'Bye Red, see you soon!' Which I never do, until he kicks you out again and the cycle repeats itself. Honestly, if I didn't know better, Harley, I'd say you were just plain stupid."

"Aw, Red, don't be sore," said Harley, frowning. "I don't mean to ignore you. It's just Mr. J needs me a lot, y'know, almost constantly. He depends on me for so much, and I really can't afford to be absent from his side. Plus he doesn't like it. He likes to me to be to hand when he needs me."

"Yeah. So he can pet you or slap you, depending on his mood," muttered Ivy. "But you haven't answered my question, Harley. What are you doing here? I gather from Harvey that you've been paying visits to lots of our Arkham friends. Is this related?"

"Yeah…yeah, sort of," said Harley, suddenly looking uncomfortable. "See, the thing is, Red…the thing is, Mr. J has got a plan. It's a brilliant plan, a genuis plan, the kind only he could think up, because he's just so smart…"

"You can skip the gushing," interrupted Ivy.

"Well, this plan…see…it involves a lot of our Arkham friends. It's supposed to involve you, but…but I don't really want it to. But he insists it has to, and so I won't argue, but I just wanted you to know that…that whatever happens, it's nothing personal. Mr. J doesn't hate you. And you know how much you mean to me. You're my best friend, Red, and I love ya."

"What are you talking about, Harley?" asked Ivy. "Tell me plainly."

"I can't do that, Red," she replied. "Mr. J wouldn't want me spoiling the surprise. But you'll be ok, you have to believe that. You're not going to be hurt. It's all just a gag, a joke, you see?"

"No, I don't see," snapped Ivy. "And I would think, if our friendship means anything to you, Harley, that you could tell me the truth. What is Joker planning?"

"Look, Red, you don't understand my position," said Harley, quietly. "I can't tell you. Mr. J would be furious if he found out. I don't want that to happen. I'm afraid, see."

"You're afraid of him?" demanded Ivy. "Why? What's he done, Harley? Has he hit you?"

Harley looked at her, incredulous. "Well, yeah, but he always does that. No, I'm not afraid _of_ him. I'm afraid _for _him. He ain't been right since the Bat's been ignoring him. He's been kinda crazy. I mean, he's always crazy, and I love him for it, but it's a different kind of crazy. I'm afraid he's in pain. I'm afraid he's really hurting. I don't want him to be in pain anymore. I'll do anything to stop it. So I'm helping him with his plan, even though I hate it. Even though almost everything in me tells me not to do it. My heart tells me I have to go through with it, for his sake. I love him, Red. Please try and understand that, whatever happens. And forgive me."

"Forgive you for what?" murmured Ivy.

"For this," she whispered. Before Ivy could react, Harley had whipped out her mallet and struck Ivy a blow to the head with it. She fell to the ground, her vision swimming and hazy. Through the shadows that danced around her eyes, she dimly saw Harley kneeling beside her, then straighten up as a man appeared next to her. A man clad in purple.

"Good work, Harley girl," he said, kissing her and taking the mallet from her hand. Then he bent down, and Ivy saw the smug, leering face of the Joker grinning at her. "Nighty night, Pammie," he whispered, raising the mallet again. Ivy was struck on the head again and lost consciousness.


	3. Chapter 3

"How's the head, Red?" came Harley's voice, as Ivy struggled to regain consciousness.

Her vision gradually returned, blurry and unfocused. She could make out a red and black blotch in front of her, and that was when the dull, throbbing pain shot through her skull.

"Harley, what the hell is going on?" she muttered, trying to touch her head and realizing that her arms were tied behind her back.

"I told ya, Red, it's one of Mr. J's plans," she replied. "He wants you all captured and tied up, so you can't distract the Bat. And also so you can attract the Bat to us. See, that's what so clever about it. Not only does he get you people out of the way, but he lures Bats into a trap at the same time."

"I don't understand," said Ivy.

"Well, you were all taking Batsy's attention away from Mr. J, see?" said Harley. "And he didn't like that. So now he's captured each and every one of you, except your boyfriend, that is. He went to ground just after he left you."

"He's not my boyfriend," growled Ivy.

"Aw, c'mon, Red, I think you'd make a really cute couple," replied Harley. "Unless you started dressing in like half green and half red or something. That might not work so good. You'd look like a Christmas tree, and you hate Christmas trees. You remember the year I stayed with you for Christmas and you wouldn't let me have one? Still think you could have lightened up and got into the holiday spirit, but…"

"Harley, I already have a headache," interrupted Ivy. "Can you please stop babbling?"

"Gee, Red, there's no need to be rude," said Harley, frowning.

"No need to be rude?" repeated Ivy. "Harley, you've attacked and kidnapped me! Not just me, but all of our Arkham friends! And all because the clown's been a bit down lately! And you don't think there's any reason to be rude about that?!"

"No," sniffed Harley. "I'm sure you'd do the same for Harvey if he was down."

"He's not my boyfriend!" shrieked Ivy. "And I'm going to murder yours for this!"

"Now place nicely, ladies," came the mocking voice of the Joker. "We wouldn't want anyone to get hurt before Batsy gets here, would we?"

"J, you're dead," growled Ivy as he approached her. "And I never thought I'd say this, Harley, but you're dead too."

"What do you mean, Red?" asked Harley, shocked.

"I mean you've chosen Joker over me for the last time," said Ivy, quietly. "I've been a true and loyal friend to you, Harley, all those times when you needed one most. And yet you still put this selfish, disgusting creep first in your life. He's your top priority, and always will be. You've proven that he will always be the most important thing to you, more important than your friendships and your beliefs and your own feelings. I don't want to be friends with anyone who can betray me like this for his sake. I don't want to be friends with anyone who will put the whims of that madman over her own conscience and sense of decency. If you can really treat your best friend like this, your best friend who loves and cares for you, then you're as bad as he is. And you deserve his fate."

Harley stared at her, stunned and deeply hurt. "Red," she gasped. "Red, I…I…it's just a joke, Red!"

"No one's laughing, Harley," she replied, quietly. "Not even him."

"Sorry, I don't just laugh on cue, Pammie," snapped Joker. "But I will be laughing, once I drag your sorry ass upstairs to the warehouse, where the rest of the gang are all waiting for Bat-boy, because it'll amuse me to see all of you helpless and at my mercy. Let's go, Plant Lady," he said, seizing her hair and literally dragging her upstairs. Harley followed behind them, gazing at Ivy with pained eyes.

"Hello, you bunch of second rate crooks!" he cackled, beaming at the assembled hostages, the crème de la crème of Gotham supervillains. They were all tied and bound in a circle, and Joker threw Ivy forward into the center. "I think that's all of you losers rounded up, except for the bipolar freak! Not gonna lie, it would be nice to have a complete set, but I don't have time to be picky – I just can't wait any longer to summon Bats! I've missed him so much! You guys just don't know what it's like to miss your nemesis, because you ain't got one! Bats is my nemesis, mine and mine alone, and if you jerks would just stop trying to come between us, we'd all be a lot happier!"

"I hate to disappoint you, J, but I don't think Batman is a one nemesis kinda guy," retorted Edward Nygma. "He doesn't think the way you do. His obsession isn't one person or battling with one enemy – it's this city. And protecting the people of this city from whatever threatens it at the time. In terms of nemeses, he's pretty indiscriminate."

"I don't like what you're implying about Bats, Eddie," retorted Joker. "I get that you might be jealous, but find your own nemesis. Batsy is mine."

"I think we've all thought that about him, at one time or another," chimed in Jonathan Crane. "I'm afraid we were all mistaken."

"Yeah, the Bat is too much of a man too ever be satisfied with just one of us," said Selina Kyle, grinning. "Anyway, everyone knows he likes me best, J."

"You take that back, you catty bitch," he muttered. "Maybe Bats likes you in the way I like Harley, y'know, as a toy to play with, an occasional amusement, a fun distraction from time to time. But there's a special bond between a guy and his nemesis that a woman could never understand. It runs deep, baby, deeper than playtime with the Kitty. So don't flatter yourself, toots. I'm Batman's number 1 and always have been. I've got the book to prove it."

"Would it help if we said we're sorry?" asked Nygma. "We're not, of course, but it might help if we said it."

"Nah, too late for that, Eddie," retorted Joker. "You just all wait here, like the good little hostages you are, and I'll go find some way to call Bats. Harley, be a dear and guard them while I'm gone, won't you?" he asked, kissing her cheek and striding out of the room, laughing in glee.

"Sure thing, Mr. J!" called Harley after him, beaming.

The moment the door shut, all eyes fixed on Harley. And then everyone started shouting at her at once. "Hey, hey, shut up, all of you!" cried Harley, clapping her hands to her ears. "One at a time! Look, I know it's not an ideal situation for anyone, but did you see how happy Mr. J was? I ain't seen him laugh like that in ages. Ain't that worth you all being kidnapped?"

"I'm sure we're all glad you're happy, Harley," retorted Crane. "But the joke's over now. We all want to be out of here before Batman shows up. So why don't you just let us go?"

"I'd really like to, Johnny," she replied. "But you might just try to ruin things for Mr. J as revenge for the kidnapping, and I can't let that happen. You'll all just have to stay like this until Bats shows up, and then we can all go back to Arkham together like one big, loving family. And puddin' will be all happy again."

"He literally just called you a toy, Harley," growled Ivy. "Why would you even care if he's happy?"

"Yeah, puddin's a real kidder," sighed Harley, dreamily. "It just proves he really loves me because he can tease me like that. He couldn't joke around like that with just anyone."

"Yes, he could, Harley!" snapped Nygma. "He's the Joker! That's exactly what he does with everyone! You're not special!"

"He called me a catty bitch," said Selina. "Does that mean he loves me too, Harley?"

"In your dreams, Selina," retorted Harley. "Mr. J don't love nobody else but me."

"And Batman," retorted Ivy.

"He don't love him!" snapped Harley. "There's just a special relationship between a guy and his nemesis, didn't you just hear him?"

"Most pathetic attempt at covering up I ever heard," muttered Nygma.

"Yeah, you'd know, Eddie," snapped Harley. "Why can't you all just leave us alone?"

"Because you've kidnapped us, Harley!" shouted Ivy. "And this is my last warning to you! Let us all go now or you're dead like the clown!"

"Harley, this isn't you," said Crane, quietly. "The Harley we all know at Arkham is a bright and vivacious young lady who truly cares for her friends. She's genuinely concerned for their welfare, whether their problems are great or small. She is gregarious and solicitous and truly compassionate, not some unthinking and airheaded bimbo who will do anything, even sacrifice those closest to her, to satisfy the whims of the crazed clown she's unfortunately become romantically entangled with. I think if you carefully consider the implications of your actions, you might realize that you're mistaken in carrying them out, in utterly destroying every friendship you've ever formed merely to please that murderous maniac."

"Wow, Johnny," murmured Harley, staring at him in astonishment. "Those are a lot of big words, Professor. But I used to be a doctor, remember? I'm just as educated and intelligent and logical as you are. And I'm telling you it's true love, dammit! And it requires some sacrifices! Anyway, what else can I do? Tell Mr. J I ain't helping him? He wouldn't find that very funny. And I wouldn't wipe that smile off his face for anything in the world."

"Forget it, Crane, we've all tried," sighed Selina. "Trying to reason with the terminally stupid is a lost cause. You of all people should understand that – didn't you used to be a college professor?"

"I ain't stupid!" shrieked Harley. "I'm in love!"

"Same difference," muttered Ivy.

"Shut up, Red!" shouted Harley. "If none of you understand or support my actions, then you ain't very good friends and I don't want your friendship anyway! I'm better off without the lot of you selfish creeps! It's just too bad you don't understand love!"

"It's too bad you're so loud, Harley," came a voice behind her. She suddenly felt the barrel of a gun being pressed against the back of her skull. "First rule of a hostage situation is to never let people know where the hostages are."

"Harvey, am I glad to see you!" exclaimed Ivy.

"Funny, you never said that when we were dating," muttered Two-Face. He held the gun against Harley's head and said, "Go untie them, Harley. Now."

Harley turned slowly to face him, so that the gun was against her forehead. Then she folded her arms across her chest and stuck out her bottom lip. "No," she snapped. "I ain't ruining puddin's big plan. You go ahead and shoot me, Harv."

"I really, really don't want to do this, Harley," growled Two-Face. "Just go release the hostages."

"No!" repeated Harley, stamping her foot. "It's Mr. J's night, and I won't ruin his good mood!"

"Will he be in a good mood if he finds you dead?!" snapped Two-Face.

Harley shrugged. "Maybe. It might make him laugh. Sometimes it's weird the things he finds funny. Anyway, you won't shoot me yet, Harvey. You have to consult your coin first, don't you?"

"You're really gonna take that gamble, Harley?" murmured Two-Face.

Harley grinned. "I'm a lucky gal, Harv. Just gimme the coin toss."

He shrugged, reaching into his pocket and taking out his coin. He flipped it up into the air with his thumb, and it landed on the back of his hand. He flipped it over into his palm and sighed, cocking the gun.

"Sorry, Harley. But luck's a bitch sometimes."

"Yeah. And so am I," muttered Harley.

She kicked him in the crotch, and he dropped the gun, gasping in pain. Harley kicked him again, knocking him backward against the wall, then bent over and picked up the gun. "Sorry, Harvey, hope I didn't do any permanent damage," she said, pointing it at him. "Red might be a bit disappointed if you two get back together, y'know, if you wanted kids or something. Now all of you jerks just shut up and wait quietly for Mr. J and the Bat!"

"Harley…" began Ivy.

"I said quietly, Red!" she shouted, rounding on her with the gun. And that's when Two-Face pulled out the other gun from his jacket and fired it at Harley. The bullet sliced through her hat, and she shrieked, turning around again and firing back at Two-Face. But he was quick enough to duck behind a pillar, and soon they were both in the middle of a gun battle. The stray bullets sprayed all over the warehouse, taking out the ropes which bound the other villains. And then chaos ensued as all of them grabbed whatever weapons they could and ganged up against Harley.

"Harley, what the hell is going on down here?" shouted Joker, appearing at the bottom of the stairs.

"Mr. J, get back!" cried Harley, shoving him behind a pillar as a hail of bullets riddled the spot where he had been. She fired back from the relative shelter of the pillar as the Joker berated her.

"What the hell did you do, you dumb broad?! I leave you alone for five minutes and this happens?! Jesus Christ, Harley, you're an utter waste of space, you know that?! All of my genius planning ruined because you're too stupid to just watch the prisoners without letting them escape and arm themselves!"

"Sorry, Mr. J," murmured Harley. An explosion went off near them and she pushed Joker to the ground, shielding him with her body and then resuming her firing.

"Get offa me, you useless dame!" he shouted. "You're so damn clingy, Harley! You've ruined everything, I hope you know that! And to make matters worse, Bats hasn't even turned up!"

"Sorry, pudd…" she began, but suddenly a stray bullet grazed her arm. She shrieked, dropping the gun and falling backwards from the pain.

"Hey!" shouted Joker, eyes blazing in fury. He seized the gun and began firing it out into the warehouse. "I'm trying to mentally abuse my girlfriend here! Butt out! You ok, sweets?" he asked, turning to her.

She nodded, gritting her teeth at the pain and trying not to look at the blood flowing from the wound as she covered it with her hand. "Good, because I'm going to beat you into the ground for this later," he muttered, pulling out his own gun.

He fired both of them into the fray until they ran out of bullets. "What are we gonna do now, puddin'?" asked Harley, quietly.

"I'm thinking," he muttered, peering out from behind the pillar. "You should try it sometime, Harley. Right. There's eight of them, all heavily armed, and two of us without any range weapons to speak of. Well, we could throw the guns, I guess, but you throw like a girl, Harley. And they look pretty pissed. I don't know what you did to them in my absence, Harl, but whatever it was, I think they want to kill us for it. I'm not gonna lie, baby, the odds are not in our favor. What we really need, Harley, is a hero."

At that moment, the Batmobile crashed through the wall of the warehouse, sending the villains scattering. Joker giggled. "Right on cue, Bat-brain! He never disappoints, I tell ya, Harl! Regular as clockwork, and just as tightly wound!"

Batman pulled up next to the pillar and flipped open the back door with a switch. "Get in," he snapped to Harley and Joker. They obeyed, jumping into the back seat in a hail of gunfire. Batman flipped the switch again, sealing off the Batmobile, and drove off. The firing continued until they were out of range.

Joker laughed hysterically, making raspberries out of the back window at the rapidly diminishing criminals. Harley was silent, still clutching her wound tightly and trying not to cry too much from the pain. Joker laughed for the next five minutes then gradually stopped. An awkward silence descended on the car.

"How's your arm, Harley?" muttered Batman.

"Fine," she retorted. "Just a scratch. Hurts, though."

"Don't be such a baby, Harley," retorted Joker. "I've given you worse pain than that. Much worse," he said, poking her wound.

She hissed in pain and struck him across the face. "Don't touch it!" she shouted. "Or me! You nearly got us killed back there, you stupid clown! Our friends, our former friends, I should say, were ready to kill both of us all because of you and your stupid plan! You think that makes me feel good?!"

"It was a gag, baby…" he began.

"They don't see it as a joke, Mr. J!" she shrieked. "And neither do I anymore! Red's rejected me, Harvey tried to shoot me, and one of them did! I was ready to die for you back there, and all you repay that loyalty with is cruel words and even more pain! Well, I've had enough pain tonight, thanks! I don't wanna talk to you right now! Just leave me alone!"

And she turned away from him, crying. Joker stared at her, then shrugged and looked out the window.

"You've really done it this time, Joker," muttered Batman, eyes fixed on the road. "It was a stupid plan, and the consequences are going to be diastrous, not just for you and Harley, but for all of Gotham. All those people back there are dangerous, homicidal psychotics, and now you've got all of them angry. While they're waiting to take out their revenge against you, I'm sure they'll practice on innocent people. You just made my life a lot harder."

"Well, I wouldn't want you to get bored, Batsy," replied Joker, grinning. "Where's the fun in life without its little challenges? You should be thanking me, really. Anyway, I wouldn't have had to resort to such extreme measures if you hadn't been ignoring me lately. That's not how nemeses are supposed to treat each other, y'know. If I was an insecure guy, I'd say you'd lost interest."

Batman's eyes narrowed. "I don't know what sort of game you think this is," he murmured. "But it's not a game to me, Joker. I spend my life trying to protect innocent lives from the criminals that infest this city, and you create a plan to infuriate them all because you feel jealous that I'm not paying enough attention to you? I know you're crazy, but that seems a little extreme, even for you. Plus it's backfired. I'm going to be ignoring you a lot more in the near future, because I'm going to have to spend all my time chasing down those other criminals. You've basically guaranteed that they'll be the focus of my attention for a long time now. I hope you're happy."

Joker grinned. "I am, just because I got to see your grim, unsmiling, concealed face! I missed it, Bats, I'm not gonna lie."

He climbed over into the front seat next to him. Batman kept his eyes on the road. "So where are you taking us?" asked Joker. "Back to Arkham?"

Batman shook his head. "That's the first place they'll look. With all these dangerous maniacs on the loose and after your blood, nowhere in Gotham is going to be safe for you. Well, except one place."

Joker stared at him. "Batsy…you mean…"

But without warning, Batman suddenly punched him in the face, knocking him unconscious.


	4. Chapter 4

When Joker regained consciousness, he found himself in a dimly lit room, vast and cavernous, full of strange souvenirs of former battles and a mass of computer screens at one end of the room. He chuckled, his eyes alight. "I knew it!" he giggled. "I knew it! The Batcave! Aw, Bats, having me over to your house – I think our relationship is really maturing here!"

"Shut up," growled Batman, who was busy taking the blindfold off Harley. They were both chained to a railing at the far side of the cave, well away from the equipment. Batman washed and dressed Harley's wound, then stood up and said, "You won't want to escape – it's not safe for you out there. Stay here and don't touch anything. I'll be keeping my audio and video surveillance on. You shouldn't be able to get away, but I know you're always full of surprises."

"I like to keep things interesting, Bats," grinned Joker. "Spontaneity is the key to a lasting relationship, right, Harley girl?"

Harley didn't respond. Batman strode upstairs, leaving them alone in the Batcave. Joker looked around. "Geez, this place is huge. You think Batsy's compensating for something?" he laughed.

Harley still didn't respond. "Harley. Harley, baby," he purred, sliding closer to her. "You know I don't like being ignored. It's what got us into this mess in the first place, remember?"

"Got _us _into this mess?" she repeated, glaring at him. "You got yourself into this mess, Mr. J. You can get yourself out of it without my help."

"Aw, but baby, I want your help," he murmured. "I'm sorry for being mean to you earlier, but you know Daddy J gets cranky sometimes when things don't quite work out the way he wants them to. But it still worked out, didn't it, pooh? I got to see Batsy, and here we are in the Batcave! Nobody is ever allowed in here except the Dork Knight and the rest of his batty family! We're really lucky, pumpkin! It couldn't have turned out better if I'd planned it this way! Aren't you happy? C'mon, cupcake, give Daddy a little smile."

Harley looked at him for a moment, then turned away. "Aw, pumpkin, pumpkin, pumpkin," he murmured. "My pretty little Harley baby. What can Daddy do to make things better? You want him to kiss your boo boo?" he murmured, bringing his mouth down to her wound. He began kissing it and licking it, and Harley shivered in delight.

"Oh, Mr. J," she whispered. "Oh, Mr. J!"

He pushed her back against the railing as he mauled her mouth and she returned it, reaching down to undo his belt. But her hands couldn't stretch that far. "We need to get out of these chains, baby," murmured Joker. "It's no fun with both of us tied up like this."

Harley grinned. "Rightaroonie, Mr. J," she said, slipping her hand underneath her hat and pulling out a hairpin. She bent it and slid it into the lock of her chains, twirling it around until she heard the click of the release mechanism. She stood up and unlocked his chains, then threw herself into his arms.

"Hey, don't rush it, baby," he said, pushing her gently off him. "I admit it's a real exciting thought, doing it in the Batcave, but we need to have a look around first and pick the perfect, most romantic spot. Y'know, someplace Bats uses a lot and will always remind him of us whenever he sees it. And I for one wanna take a look around. It's not every day you find yourself in Batman's inner sanctum."

"I want you in _my_ inner sanctum right now, baby," whispered Harley, covering his face with kisses.

"In a second, pooh, I promise," he said, pushing her away again and patting her head. "Be a patient little girl and Daddy will make it worth the wait. Anyway, maybe there are some gadgets in here we can use."

Harley sighed in frustration and followed him as he strolled around the cave, whistling. "Aw, look, cupcake, he's got a giant Joker card!" he exclaimed, pointing. "Told you he cared!"

"What do you suppose is the story with the T-Rex?" asked Harley, looking at the giant model.

"A big muscly brute with a scary reputation and a tiny brain? Search me. Maybe he relates to it somehow!" laughed Joker. "Two of a kind, Batsy and Rexy! Both ancient dinosaurs, anyway. If only the former was extinct, as well as the latter!"

"The penny will be from Harvey," said Harley.

"Yeah. But I think my card's bigger," retorted Joker.

"Speaking of things that are big, we could do it on the card," murmured Harley, hopefully. "Could have a Joker at both ends. Could be kinda hot."

"Nah. He already thinks about me when he looks at that," said Joker. "It's gotta be something we can ruin for him. It's funnier my way, pumpkin, trust me. I'll let you know, don't worry."

"Ok," sighed Harley in disappointment.

Joker went over to the Batcomputer. "Hmm…username and password. Let's see…_Im_Batman_, password _Jokerisawesome._ Well, it was worth a shot. I wonder if it locks you out after three tries or something. Any guesses, pooh?"

Harley came over as he typed in _The Dork Knight_ for his username and _Robinsmells_ for the password. "It's gotta be something outdated and cliched," he continued. "You're good at those kinda jokes, kiddo. Whaddya think?"

"Try _The Dark Knight_ and _Justiceforall_," she said.

"Harley, that's not even fun…" began Joker, typing it in.

"Welcome, Batman," said the computer, unlocking the screen. Joker stared at it and then laughed hysterically. "Oh, Batsy, you crack me up!" he chuckled, opening random files. "Oooh, some of this stuff could be useful for my next scheme, pooh bear. I'm sure Bats won't mind if we just borrow it," he murmured, pulling a thumb drive out of his pocket and plugging it in. As he transferred the files over, he began browsing over the personal files stored in the computer. "Ah, here we are, pooh!" he exclaimed. "Harley Quinn, aka Dr. Harleen Quinzel, eyes: blue, hair: blonde, blah, blah, blah…"

"I told him I wasn't a natural blonde," muttered Harley.

"An Arkham Asylum psychiatrist assigned to treat the Joker, Dr. Harleen Quinzel instead became obsessively fixated on her patient, believing herself to be in love with him. She helped him escape confinement and took on her own criminal identity as Harley Quinn," read Joker.

"_Believing_ herself to be in love with him?" repeated Harley. "Gee, thanks a lot, Bat-jerk! He makes me sound like a total idiot! Change that to 'Harleen Quinzel fell madly in love with her precious puddin', who she'll always love forever and ever."

"_Whom_ she'll always love forever and ever," corrected Joker, typing it in. "Quinn is a violent and unpredictable felon whose only motivation, beyond general mayhem, is achieving the Joker's approval," he continued reading. "Because of his cruel and mercurial nature, this in some ways makes her just another of his victims - albeit a very dangerous one."

"Jesus Christ, puddin', it's like he don't know us at all," muttered Harley.

"Now, now, pooh, you do like being victimized from time to time," replied Joker, grinning. "Let's just change that whole paragraph, though, to 'Quinn is a violent and unpredictable felon who enjoys mayhem, mutiliation, and being revved up by her Mr. J, preferably after a murderous rampage. She makes 'vrooming' noises in bed, and has a killer body, not that a repressed Bat-freak like myself would ever notice that. She is just the hottest little girl in Gotham, and I am really jealous of the Joker for his relationship with her. If only I were fun and intelligent and handsome like him, then maybe I too could get a hot girlfriend for a sidekick rather than an annoying little bird-boy."

"Aw, puddin'!" exclaimed Harley, embracing him tightly. "You're just the greatest!"

"Now let's see what he says about me," he said, opening the file labelled _Joker_. Hundreds of pages of information sprang up on the screen, along with thousands of pictures, videos, and documents. "Oh…wow," murmured Joker. "My God…he's obsessed with me."

"It's a bit creepy, Mr. J," said Harley, as the files kept loading, hundreds upon hundreds of them popping up. "Oh, liked your hair there, puddin'!"

"Early nineties, classic Joker," he replied. "Similar to now, except I had more hair back then so I kinda curled it over…" He paused. "Oh, this is disturbing," he whispered. "He's actually captioned it as _early nineties, classic Joker_. Jesus, Harl, he might be more obsessed than you."

He closed the file abruptly, shuddering. "Wow, that makes a guy feel a little dirty."

"Yeah?" whispered Harley, hopefully. "How dirty, puddin'? Y'know what would be really dirty? Doing it here, on the computer, the keys pressing into my back as you shove your ram into my hard drive…"

"No, no, Harley, that machine's creeped me out," he retorted, standing up, retrieving the drive, and heading down the stairs away from the computer. "I don't have like a Bat-book or anything with pictures of him. It's just kinda a disturbing thing to see. Didn't know Batsy was actually that sick in the head. Well, not in that creepy, stalkerish sorta way."

"He spends his nights spying on people from rooftops," retorted Harley. "Can't say I'm really that surprised, Mr. J."

"I mean, it can't be legal, all that, can it?" he asked. "I kinda feel as if my privacy's been invaded, somehow. And it's not a pleasant feeling, being violated, Harley."

"I don't know, Mr. J, I kinda enjoy being violated," murmured Harley. "You wanna invade my privacy, puddin'? Please?"

"Yeah, yeah, in a second," he said. "Just give me a moment to recover from the shock. I mean, there's a line, Harley. A line the nemesis doesn't cross. And Batsy not only crossed it, he ran so far the other side of it that he lost it in the distance. How would he feel if I spied on him? I'm telling you, after this, I don't know if I can look at him the same way. We might need some space for a little while."

"Guess it's good he'll be hunting down the others, huh, Mr. J?" asked Harley.

"Yeah. See, everything works out after all! Those losers are all doing exactly what I want them to, and they don't even know it!" laughed Joker. "What a great gag!" He turned to Harley, beaming. "Ok, sweets, where do you wanna…"

But their gaze both fell on the Batmobile at the same time. "Oh yeah, baby," whispered Harley, her eyes alight.

Joker rushed over to it. "Please tell me he didn't…lock it!" he exclaimed triumphantly, as the door opened. He turned to Harley and grinned, "After you, my dear."

"Oh God, Mr. J, this is gonna be hot!" gasped Harley, climbing eagerly into the car.

Joker chuckled, making sure the radio communication system was turned on. "Yeah, it is, baby. You ready for Daddy, kiddo? It's revving time."

"Vroom, vroom, Mr. J," she murmured, grinning, as he climbed in after her and shut the door.


	5. Chapter 5

"There you are! Where have you been? It's chaos out there!" exclaimed Commissioner Gordon as Batman landed on the roof of the GCPD in response to the signal. "Every murdering nutcase in this city is on the rampage! Well, except for the clown, which is unusual."

"No, it's not," replied Batman. "He and Quinn are safely locked up."

"Where? In Arkham?" asked Gordon.

"No. Someplace safe," retorted Batman. "Joker started all this. The others are mad at him – that's why they're rampaging. He has to be protected or he's a dead man."

"Would that be such a bad thing?" asked Gordon.

"You know my code, Jim," said Batman. "I won't be responsible for the deaths of anyone. Not even him."

"Yeah. I respect that, but sometimes I think I'd act differently if I were in your shoes," retorted Gordon.

"If I acted differently, I would be no different from them," replied Batman. "What's the damage?"

"Property mostly, although several unfortunate people have been killed in attacks on buildings. Arkham was attacked first – I should have guessed they were looking for someone. My men can't handle all of those criminals – heck, they can't even handle one of them. But like I said, the attacks haven't been directed at civilians yet. Although that might change. This note came for you by carrier pigeon, Penguin's doing, most likely – I haven't read it, but it might shed some light on the situation."

Batman took the sealed envelope and opened it. The letter was brief and to the point: _Hand over the clowns or innocents will suffer. The longer you take, the more people will die. Bring them to the church at midnight or suffer the consequences. You have been warned. _

"What's it say?" asked Gordon.

Batman was about to respond, when a series of shrill, high-pitched shrieks sliced into his ear. This was followed by cries of "Oh, puddin'! Oh, oh, oh God, Mr. J! Oh God! Oh, Mr. J! Vroom, baby, keep revving, keep revving up your Harley! Oh, puddin'! Harder, baby! Oh God, that's so good, puddin'!"

"Batman? What is it? Are you ok?" asked Gordon, noticing Batman recoil suddenly.

"Oh Daddy, spank me! Spank your bad girl hard, I've been such a dirty, naughty, little baby! Oh, Mr. J! Oh God, puddin', that's it! Oh yeah, oh baby, that's amazing! Oh, puddin'!"

This was all interspersed by bursts of laughter, various speeds and tones of laughter, but all maniacal and mocking to Batman's ears. "Oh, puddin'!" shrieked Harley. "Oh God, yes, that's it! Oh God, M…M…Mistah J! Oh...puddin'! Oh, oh, oh, puddin'! God, that was hot."

"Round one, my dear," whispered Joker.

And then the cries started up again. Gordon was looking at Batman in concern as he stood stock still. Then he suddenly said, "I have to go."

"Go? But what was in the letter? What do you want us to do? Batman? Batman!" called Gordon as Batman leapt off the rooftop and disappeared into the night.

Batman arrived back at the Batcave and strode over to the Batmobile, ripping open the door. A cloud of smoke greeted him. When it cleared, he saw Joker smoking a cigarette, suit and shirt unbuttoned and hair tousled. Harley was lying with her head in his lap as he stroked her hair, looking equally disheveled but incredibly happy.

"Batsy! Wanna smoke?" asked Joker, holding out a packet of cigarettes.

"I don't allow smoking in my car," growled Batman. "Just like I don't allow intimate situations to occur in my car!"

"Yeah? Well, I think they just did," chuckled Joker. "And so did the smoking," he murmured, inhaling the cigarette.

Batman grabbed it off him and dragged him out of the car. "The other criminals want me to hand you and Quinn over so that other innocent people don't get hurt," he snarled. "You give me one good reason why I shouldn't do it."

"Just one? Well, I guess the best reason is that you'd miss me," replied Joker, grinning. "Who would you have to collect pictures and videos of, and make big files about, if I weren't around? We saw Harley's – it was small by comparison."

"I'm kinda offended, Bats, really," replied Harley, climbing gingerly out of the car and wincing. "Well, I would have been anyway, if I hadn't just been taken six ways from Sunday. Don't really have a problem with anything anymore – everything's just great," she sighed, gazing at the Joker in adoration.

"Everything is not great!" snapped Batman. "I have precisely fifteen minutes to get across town and try to reason with an angry group of homicidal lunatics to prevent them from trying to kill you, when at the moment I can't think of a reason why they shouldn't!"

"To be honest, I'm ok with dying at the moment," replied Joker. "Don't think that experience will ever be topped. Performance of my life, if I do say so myself."

"Yeah, if I had to pick a moment to die, I probably couldn't ask for a better one," sighed Harley. "It's gotta come sometime, and I feel just perfect right now. Go ahead, Bats, take us with you. We'll go quietly."

"Yeah, I think my Harley girl's all screamed out," chuckled Joker. She embraced him tenderly and kissed him.

Batman glared at them both. Then he seized them and rechained them to the railing. "I'm going to go talk to them," he growled. "You stay here. And don't touch anything. I mean it this time."

"Great idea, Bats," replied Joker, grinning. "You go talk to them, we'll stay here. You can even take the car if you want!"

He and Harley both burst into giggles. Batman glared at them again and strode off on foot, their mocking laughter following him out of the Batcave.


	6. Chapter 6

"Good side, I shoot them both in the face. Bad side, I let them die two days from now after a series of long and lingering tortures," growled Two-Face, flipping his coin over and over again.

"And what makes you think you get to top them?" demanded Ivy. "If anyone gets to kill them, it should be me. They've put me through crap you wouldn't believe! I think I deserve some reward for putting up with Harley's emotional breakdowns every week!"

"We have all suffered at their hands," retorted Crane. "We should all be allowed some form of revenge."

"We can't all kill them," murmured Selina, studying her nails. "Someone has to strike the death blow. I don't care about Harley, Ivy, you can have her. But the clown's mine."

"The hell he is!" snorted Nygma. "That bastard's been a pale imitation of me for years! I'm going to be the one to do him in."

"I'm going to kill them both," growled Two-Face. "It's double or nothing with me. I'll especially look forward to gutting the clown's bitch after what she did to me."

"Oh, c'mon, Harvey, there's not much there to damage," snorted Ivy. "Anyway, I've already got dibs on Harley. So back off."

"Much as I enjoy drama between exes, there's no point in arguing about this now," said Selina. "Not until Batman brings the clowns here."

"He is rather late for his very important date," spoke up Jervis Tetch, checking his pocket watch. "Didn't we promise him some chaos if he didn't arrive in a timely fashion?"

"Yeah, tell Freeze he can ice the park, and everyone in it," retorted Nygma.

"We're not icing the park," growled Ivy. "Nobody is killing any plants while I'm around."

"Then beat it, Pammie," growled Two-Face. "How can you hope to kill Harley if you can't even handle the death of a few weeds?"

"Those weeds are worth more than all the people in this room put together," growled Ivy.

"For once, I agree with Ivy," said a voice from the shadows. Batman stepped into the room, and everyone immediately fixed their weapons on him.

"Where are the clowns?" growled Two-Face.

"Safe," retorted Batman. "You didn't honestly think I would give in to blackmail, did you?"

"So you're going to let the innocent citizens of this city die for those two psychotics?" demanded Ivy. "No offense, Batman, but that's kinda crazy."

"Nobody is going to die," growled Batman. "I'm taking you in. All of you."

"Aw, it's cute that you think you can," sighed Selina, grinning.

"Watch me," retorted Batman.

Another fight instantly broke out. And despite their superior numbers, Batman's superior skill gave him an impressive advantage over the villains in combat. He soon had them all rounded up, bound or unconscious. Two-Face, Ivy, Selina, and Crane were the only ones still conscious by the end, and they were mainly using this opportunity to shout at each other, blaming each other for their failure at being able to beat one man.

"Told you, Selina," said Batman, calmly.

"Yeah, yeah, really impressive," muttered Selina. "I could have taken you if it was just you and me, but these freaks had to get in my way and ruin everything."

"Bite me, Kitty," growled Two-Face. "I didn't see you leaping into the fray."

"That's because you were spraying bullets everywhere, you jerk," retorted Selina.

"Most cats aren't afraid of bats, you know," snapped Crane.

"Oh come on, Professor, you couldn't go hand to hand with the Bat!" she snapped. "You're nothing without your little fear gas, just like Ivy's nothing without her plants!"

"Hey, at least I hit him a couple times!" shouted Ivy. "You just didn't want to hurt your boyfriend, Selina!"

"He's not my boyfriend!" shouted Selina. "And this is not how a guy should treat his girlfriend!"

"I dunno, seems to work for Harley and J," retorted Two-Face.

"Don't bring those two up now!" shouted Ivy. "The last thing we need is to be reminded of their smiling, smug faces while we're all about to be dragged back to Arkham and they're safely holed up somewhere…"

At that moment, the Batmobile burst through the wall with a crash. It hit Batman, knocking him to the ground, and two familiar figures leapt out from inside it.

"Never fear, kiddies, the Dork Knight is here!" exclaimed Joker, who was dressed in one of Batman's masks and capes.

"And the Boy Blunder!" cried Harley, who had donned a Robin costume and mask. "Here to save the day, as usual!"

Batman had struggled to his feet, but Harley suddenly shot him with a grappling gun, the rope wrapping around his legs and body and knocking him to the ground with a thud.

"Nice work, Birdy Boy," murmured Joker, drawing her into his arms and kissing her tenderly. "Gee, I hope no one can see us like this!" he laughed suddenly. "People might start to talk about just what kinda relationship you and the kid have, eh, Batsy?"

He chuckled, striding over to the prisoners. "Well, what should we do about these crooks, eh, Boy Wonder?" he asked, grinning. "Can't really let them go when they've threatened to kill us, can we?"

"That's right, B-Man," replied Harley, coming over to him. "But we did just kinda save them from the most dangerous lunatic in this city. You think they might be a little grateful for that."

"Yeah, but they're crazy, Robin," he replied. "Sane people like you and me can never understand how their troubled minds work. Still, if they were willing to apologize and promise never to do it again, let no one say the Caped Crusader isn't a man of mercy."

"Too true, Mr. J," sighed Harley. He suddenly slapped her across the back of the head.

"It's Batman, idiot!" he growled.

"Oh yeah, right…Batman," she murmured, rubbing her skull tenderly.

"J…" began Ivy, stunned.

"Batman!" he shouted. "I'm Batman! You see the mask? And the cape? That makes me Batman, dammit!"

"Ok…Batman," said Ivy, slowly. "What if we all promised to forgive Joker and Harley for kidnapping us, and vowed not to try to kill them? Would you let us go?"

"Hmm…I dunno," he said, stroking his chin. "What do you think, Boy Wonder?" he asked, turning to Harley.

"Aw, I think Red's learned her lesson, Mr…Batman," corrected Harley.

"It's about justice, you see," continued Joker. "For I am an agent of justice, the symbol this city needs to inspire it with hope for truth and righteousness and all that other heartwarming crap. Honor, valor, heroism, blah, blah, blah, geez, this joke gets old fast," he muttered, taking off the mask. "How do you keep it up, Bats? It's exhausting. And this mask is really heavy. You must have quite the thick skull," he chuckled.

"Can I stop being Robin now, puddin'?" asked Harley. "I really prefer being Harley Quinn."

"You and me both, baby," he agreed. "Well now, Pammie, you were asking about being freed. And I'm not the kinda guy to hold a grudge. You did try to kill us, but let's let bygones be bygones and put all this unpleasantness behind us. There you go, toots," he said, cutting the ropes that bound her and setting to work freeing the others.

Ivy stared at him, and then at Harley, who was looking at her pleadingly. "I'm sorry, Red," she said. "Sorry for kidnapping you and everything. Can we be friends again? Please?"

Ivy looked at her for a moment, then sighed. "Sure, Harley. I guess we're even now."

"Aw, Red, you're the greatest!" exclaimed Harley, rushing into her arms and hugging her tightly.

"Thanks, clown," grunted Two-Face as Joker released him. "You're all right."

Joker grinned. "Does someone want a hug, Harv?" he asked, holding out his arms.

"No," snapped Two-Face.

"Johnny?" asked Joker, turning to Crane.

"No, thank you," replied Crane.

"Kitty? I did a little research on the Batcomputer tonight and compared Batsy's personal files on both of us. And I hate to tell you, but mine's bigger," he grinned.

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Selina asked.

"It means Batsy prefers me to you, just like I said," he retorted. "In fact, you could say he's obsessed with me. But don't take it too hard – lots of people are. And not everyone is a cat person."

"Sure I can't kill him, Ivy?" asked Selina.

"Just wait until he hatches some new, crazy scheme next week," retorted Ivy. "I'm sure he'll piss us all off again soon. He is the Joker, after all, it's kinda what he does."

"Yeah, you don't really know how lucky you have it until you spend time in someone else's shoes," sighed Joker. "Or cape, as the case may be. You should try being me for a day sometime, Bats. It would be loads of fun. Purple would be just your color."

"Joker…" began Batman, but Joker took off the cape he was wearing and tied it over Batman's mouth.

"No, no, don't spoil the moment with words, Batsy," he sighed. "I think everyone's hearts are too full to hear more. Let's just end the party on this warm, happy note, and go home. But it was so good to see you again, Bats! Let's not leave it so long next time, kay? Don't be a stranger now. Love ya! Buh bye!"

And Joker kissed his cheek and then threw him into the trunk of the Batmobile, slamming it shut. He went over to the front seat and flicked a switch. "Please specify location," said Batman's recorded voice. "The Batcave, please," said Joker. The car automatically backed up and sped off.

"Wow, how did you figure out the autodrive?" asked Two-Face, impressed.

"Oh, Harley accidentally kicked the switch when she was…um…enjoying herself," he replied. "Lemme tell you, there's nothing creepier than to be in the middle of things and suddenly hear Batman's voice. You begin to think it's one of those disturbing dreams, you know the kind."

"No, I can't say I do," replied Two-Face.

"Really? You don't get those kinda dreams with the Bat?" asked Joker, surprised. "Harley, you get 'em, right, baby?"

"Nope, sorry, Mr. J," replied Harley.

"Johnny?"

"Afraid not."

"Pammie?"

"Yeah. But then I think Selina and I are justified. What's your excuse, J?"

Joker shrugged. "Well, he is my nemesis, after all. It's a special relationship. I can't expect you people to understand. But it ain't one-sided, let me tell you. He's pretty obsessed with me too, and that makes a guy feel kinda good and valued."

"I'm obsessed with you too, puddin'," purred Harley, embracing him.

He patted her head. "I tell ya, Harl, I've got you, and a dedicated nemesis, and I'm surrounded by people who don't want to kill me right now. What more could a guy ask for? Life is pretty good, Harley girl. Pretty good indeed."

**The End**


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